The Valley

It feels like the past season of my life has compromised of a series of bad days. Laziness, negative words, self-pity and shame. A season of confusion and discomfort.

I never anticipated how hard being unemployed was, especially when you are so desperate to move forward in life. All these timelines, all these goals and a side of inadequacy to accompany them.

Unemployment is not only a state but it is an actual feeling. It mirrors so many emotions. It almost makes you feel as though you are uneducated and unworthy of every position you apply for. It has been really hard for me. I feel like I work so hard on who I am, and I am constantly learning and teaching myself new skills for the job I want, yet the law of attraction is ineffective in my case. It is all just discouraging and most days I feel hopeless and useless.

Unemployment is not the only thing on my mind but my future in general. I find myself in spirals of anxiety because of my past. Because of the bad decisions I'm still trying to recover from. The "permanent" mistakes. The main thing on my mind is "When will my soul level up?". When are particular wounds going to heal? When will I stop hating myself for things that happened in my "BC" days? (BC= Before Christ).

I have spent months, if not years trying to deal with baggage that has overstayed its welcome. I am emotionally drained and struggling to see past right now. Will I ever heal? Will I be able to give and receive love? Will I overcome? Will I be able to provide for myself and my family and build the future I want? Will I be a good mother and a good wife?

So many questions, so many fears.

One of my favourite Bethel songs is "Where You Are" and the one question they ask in the song is:

"What is the deepest cry in your heart today?"

We think that if we get the job or the relationship or the car or the money, this inner pain and turmoil will disappear but it won't. Today I realised that my deepest cry is for INNER PEACE and HEALING. It is tiring being in a constant state of dissatisfaction, instability and irritation. I have now come to realize that inner peace and healing are part and parcel and all the other desires will come after.

The main question is though, how do we heal?

We all have a vision and view of what we think and believe healing is supposed to look like. We sit and we wait, for a sign, sound or feeling that never really comes. Sometimes, healing isn’t linear and sometimes healing isn’t once off. Sometimes healing is waking up in the morning and choosing life, sometimes healing is being present and sometimes healing is using a candle when all the lights have gone out.

Sometimes healing is neither here nor there, this nor that. Sometimes healing is doing your best, with the little that you have, and that is enough.

Here it is, the answer: DOING YOUR BEST WITH THE LITTLE THAT YOU HAVE AND THAT IS ENOUGH!

To everyone out there, healing is a process, but your duty is to use the little strength that you have today, to do the best that you can today.

Day by day.

Anesu Mautsa