Me & Somebody's Son

Image: @meandsomebodyson

I don’t really like talking about relationships purely because I feel as though I have never experienced a "successful one" (whatever that means). When I look at my past romantic relationships/flings (side note: I am using these terms interchangeably), I feel ashamed and unqualified to talk about them. I haven't had long relationships, as a matter of fact, I have had more "flings" than relationships. Non-starters. So, I tend to veer away from speaking about my experiences, unless I'm talking to close friends who have seen me unravel and have loved me all the same.

Every year in June, I do a mid-year check-in and this year I decided to journal about my romantic experiences. I challenged myself, to be honest about the stories I have told myself regarding these experiences. It was UNCOMFORTABLE, but out of the journaling sessions, I came to realize that, it doesn't have to have been a 2-5 year relationship, for my lessons to count and for my feelings to be valid. Heartbreak is experienced on a multitude of levels, even when your relationships have been packaged in the form of 2-5 month flings.

I decided to write down all of the lessons that I have learned from my relationships and share them with the world. My journal entry started off with the common questions that I ask myself when it comes to relationships:

Am I beautiful enough to be loved?

Do marriages last?

Do ALL men cheat?

Does Love Exist? better yet, Does BLACK LOVE exist?

These questions frequent the corners of my mind every now and again. I could also attribute my elongated seasons of singleness to some of these questions and I know I'm not the only one. It's hard out here, especially when it comes to millennials and dating. Love has been exchanged for temporary highs and quick goodbyes. It makes me wonder if love will ever knock at my door. It's hard to believe that we might be the exception to the rule. It's hard to be vulnerable and it's hard to love.

After journaling my questions/fears I went on to jot down the (most important) lessons I have learned from being in these relationships. My list is called "Me and Somebody's son".

1. Sometimes there is a purpose for the pain

There was a season of my life when all of my best friends were in relationships and I felt like I was missing out. Where was my person? Why couldn't I be in a relationship? Why couldn't I attract a man that wanted to date me? A man that would choose me without hesitation?

Well, I came across a boy that chose me, not without hesitation, but he chose me nevertheless. Turns out this boy, was the needle that broke the camel's back. He broke up with me a month (if not less) into the relationship because of multiple reasons, some being my weight, his insecurities and his ego, I guess. In any case, this break up left me broken and at the time I had extremely low self-esteem. I was uncomfortable in my body and in my skin. After he broke up with me, I sunk into a pit of worthlessness. It was only when I hit rock bottom that I began to embark on a journey of learning how to love myself.

He broke my heart and at the time I thought I’d never recover but I did. I did more than just recover, I created a platform that serves to encourage and (IG - @becomingintiative_). With the help and support of friends, family and God, I have begun to value myself and see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made, regardless of who chooses me or not. I'm still on this journey, I'm still messing up, unlearning, relearning but there was a purpose for this *specific* pain.

2. Manage your expectations, Anesu

In retrospect, I have realised that I have expected way too much from people that I knew didn't have the capacity to give me what I needed. Of course, that isn't always the case, but in some of my relationships, that was. I expected certain men (boys) to love me wholly and completely, yet these men (boys) couldn't love themselves. I expected men (boys) who weren't willing to open up or even be real and vulnerable with themselves, to be vulnerable with me. I wanted to love away their scars, but I couldn't carry the load that they weren't willing to share with themselves, let alone with me.

These specific men (boys) showed me who they were from the beginning. They showed me in their words and actions but I chose not to listen. I chose to believe in their potential and in the person I had imagined them to be in my head, low and behold, they failed me. I am not saying they were right in pursuing me without the intention of dating me or loving me, but the expectations that I held onto further contributed to the heartbreak that I endured.

I learnt (and am still learning) very quickly to manage my expectations, not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships as well.

3. Regret is a wasted activity

Wow. Regret is a different kind of war to fight. Every time I look back on my experiences through the eyes of regret, I think of all the time I wasted on men who weren't worthy of my heart. I regret the time I spent on trying to make people happy at the expense of my own peace and joy. I regret loving so deeply and being so vulnerable. I regret making room in my life for those who were only there to break and enter.

The truth is, regret is a wasted activity, you can't go back and relive/redo the relationship. You can, however, close and lock particular doors. You can take your power back. You can keep moving forward while healing and feeling. Healing is a process though. The quote below has always served as a reminder to me that letting go is painful and ugly, but extremely necessary.

“whether they were right for you or wrong for you, it will always hurt when you part ways. the hurt will come in frigid waves, it will crash against your knees till your bones rattle. you will wither in silence, wondering if they still hold safety in their palms. However, all of the missing, all of the hurting, and all of the longing are only pieces of the healing. when those feelings creep up your spine and tug at your skin, know that you did not make a mistake in letting them go. happiness does not exist solely with them. you do not need them to be okay. whether they were right for you or wrong for you, it will always hurt when you part ways. remember: you parted ways for a reason, remember: you are healing. you are healing, you are healing. do not look back.” -Morsus Engel

4. Never settle

Sometimes loneliness gets the best of us. Sometimes loneliness convinces us that we will never be loved. That our time is running out. That we need to settle. Never settle.

At a stage in my life, I chose to settle out of loneliness, because I wanted to be loved. Long story short, this was one of the worst decisions of my life. The person I settled for, was not only toxic but abusive in nature. It was a mess and the entire experience took more out of me than I could have ever imagined. I left broken, hurt, empty and in even more need of love, affection and affirmation.

Never settle, it really isn't worth it.

5. Honour your current and future self

Our relational choices say a lot about how we value ourselves (in my opinion- I'm not a coach or relational expert lol). But the more you love yourself, the better you treat yourself. You start honouring who you are and who you want to be. Even when it comes to relational choices, be it friendships or romantic relationships.

You learn to draw boundaries and you learn to walk away from that which is toxic. It doesn't mean things will be perfect or easy, but through self-love and self-awareness, you not only build credibility with yourself, but you learn to honour your current and future self.

6. It’s not about you, but sometimes it is

One of my flings ended (well what was left of the 'friendship') with a phonecall where the guy told me about all of my problematic character traits. He told me that he had started distancing himself from me because I was ungrateful, complaining all the time, too emotional (by the way I'm not saying it is wrong to be emotional, it's a beautiful thing), inconsistent (constantly saying one thing and doing the opposite) and a couple of other things.

Of course, I took it badly. I was so angry and defensive, I cried and broke down. A year later I realised that everything he said to me was true. However, the way in which he communicated this to me broke my spirit.

At the time, I was indeed ungrateful, always complaining, your neighbourhood negative Nelly, inconsistent (in word and deed) and my emotions and feelings controlled my life. The way I treated him and our relationship/fling was as a result of the wars I was fighting with myself. I was unable to handle these truths about myself at the time. I was so quick to fight and I was unwilling to listen.

But, what he said was right, and that killed me.

Out of my hurt, I hurt him. He was not right in the way he went about communicating this to me, but he was right about what he called me out for. At some point, I contemplated texting/calling him to apologize for how I treated him. Instead of making this call and opening this door again, I decided to work on myself. To prove to myself, that I wasn't all of these things. I set out on a journey to prove to myself that I could be consistent and driven. I could manage my emotions and live life with an attitude of gratitude.

Sometimes we are so quick to blame the other person and dismiss everything they say because it stings and it stinks. No one likes criticism or painful truths. At that time I really needed words of affirmation and a hug, however, I realized that sometimes I can be the problem, so I have to check myself before getting into the boxing ring.

7. You're stronger than you think

When some relationships end, it feels like your world is falling apart, well at least mine did.

I started believing the lie that I was never enough and that love wasn’t meant for me. This is the biggest lie of all and takes you down a slippery slope of shame and self-condemnation. The one-sided conversations and back and forths lead to misery. We fill in blanks with words they could've said, but didn't. Words that they should've said, but couldn't. Honey, don't let the pain cripple you. Don't believe the lies.

One bad experience doesn't have to taint all future experiences. Everything is always easier said than done, but what I know for sure is how they treated you is not a reflection of what you are worth. What they said or didn't say hurt, but it doesn't have to define you.

Let yourself mourn what the relationship wasn't and the possibility of what it could've been. Accept the ending. Forgive yourself. Empty out the hurt. Restart as many times as you need to.

You're stronger than you think and you will move past this.

8. Don’t close your heart

I know, you're tempted to close your heart and never allow anybody else in. I get it. This was the most difficult lesson to write down because this is exactly where I am. After multiple failed attempts at “love” and relationships, my heart went on strike and decided to not participate in these games.

I've moved from phase to phase “I don't believe in marriage”, “I wonder if I'm worth loving”, "I won't be able to ever love again" etc. When you close your heart off to love, when you shut down, you sabotage any possible relationships that may come your way.

You end up robbing yourself of the love you deserve and robbing the world of experiencing the beauty that you have to offer. I'm not saying be reckless with your heart, above all else, guard your heart. What I am saying is that you should let yourself heal, but just don't close your heart off to love.

I’ve never truly "relationshipped" in my life and I hope I get the chance to in the near future. I have a lot of fears that I am still working through, lies that I need to dispel and love that I need to give to myself.

While I wait, I will continue growing, learning and becoming the woman I was called and created to be. Personal development gifts us with the opportunity to get clarity on what we truly desire from a partner, it also enables us to evolve into the best version of ourselves.

I won't lie, this journey is tough. I am human, I crave affection, attention, love and intimacy but I have learned to stop expecting perfection and lay down the pressure of societal timelines and biological clocks as I continue on this quest for love.

I can't wait to share this journey with somebody's son.

Affirmation: I am worthy of love and deserve to receive love in abundance.

By Anesu Mautsa

Question: What lessons have you learned from your relationships?

Please feel free to share and comment. Also, check out one of my favourite IG pages @meandsomebodyson_,it shows inspirational black love.

A big thanks to Naledi Hopa for reading and reviewing this.