Never too much

“do you remember the first time you were called annoying?

how your breath stopped short in your chest

the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze

the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.

your eyes never left the floor that day.

you were 13.

you’re 20 now, and I still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”

apologies littering every other sentence,

words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.

I could listen to you forever, though I know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious.

all I want you to know is that you deserve to be heard

for 3 minutes

for 10 minutes

for 2 hours

forever.

there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;

mostly because they can’t handle their own.

but you will never be

and have never been

“too much.” - Tyler Ford

When I read this post by Tyler Ford, I was immediately triggered. I was triggered because I have always felt like I was too much for people. I felt like this broken record, a burden too heavy to bear. My “too much” was my emotions. I have always been more emotional and sensitive than the average person and at some point, I began to hate myself for this.

In a world such as this, you'll either be too much or never enough. Inadequacy.

I speak a lot about this in many of my posts. I don’t mean to but this thing affects every single area of your life. It shows up uninvited and takes up all the space in the room. You find yourself apologising for the fact that you are human. You find yourself on this sickening pursuit of perfection, a destination that you’ll never reach.

It’s me, your friendly neighbourhood over-thinker, over-sharer and over lover.

For as long as I can remember, I would love easily. I was very open and emotionally invested. I trusted people quickly and assumed they had good intentions. I was extremely vulnerable with everyone that I met and this led to a life of heartbreak. My heart was broken by people who could not love me back. I began to believe that the reason for all of this rejection was because I was too emotional. I felt as though I overwhelmed people with my love, my intensity, and my emotions.

I believed that I was "too much" and that to be loved, I had to change. I then began to silence certain parts of myself to protect my heart from anyone that could break it. I closed myself off from people because I didn’t want to burden them with all of who I was. I tried so hard to dismiss my emotions (I still do sometimes). I wanted to appear as though I was unaffected and easy-going. I thought this would make me more desirable. Maybe if I felt less, I would hurt less. A lie.

Vulnerability started looking like weakness and my emotions became the enemy. Every time I felt as though I was being “too emotional“ I would hate myself for it. I would hate myself for feeling more than I believed I should. I have now come to understand, that emotions are here to serve a very important purpose. Emotions are here to teach us the most powerful lessons about ourselves. They need to be acknowledged and listened to. There’s strength in vulnerability and there's beauty in feeling deeply.

I'm not saying that you should live in the pits and let your feelings run your life but you should not hate yourself for being emotional. Your focus should be on learning how to master your emotions. Just like everything else in life, this takes TIME!

[SIDE NOTE *INCREDIBLE PODCAST ON EMOTIONAL MASTERY*: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/the-art-school-podcast/id1443681520?i=1000425259782 - Practice Towards Emotional Mastery by The Art School]

More importantly, I now know that the rejection I experienced in the past, was never a reflection of my worth. There are people that will love and accept you wholly and completely, these are the people you should keep by your side.

NB: Exit spaces that don’t hold room for all of who you are!

Affirmation of the day: I let go of all self-judgement and self-sabotage.

By Anesu Mautsa